3 Steps to De-escalate Someone

Step 1. We need to Validate the Other Person

By validating someone we are simply acknowledging how that person feels.

If the person is fired up and angry, we are acknowledging that.

How it comes across is very important.

It needs to be about validation.

It needs to be about recognition of the other person feels.

The other person may might be right or wrong in their actions, but nobody is right or wrong in how they feel.

So if someone is angry, they have a right to be angry. If somebody feels hurt, or sad, or glad, or happy, they have a right to feel that way.

So when someone is out of control they have a right to feel that way.

We want to try and help them regain control, so the first step is to validate them.

We don’t validate someone until we think they’ve been validated, we validate them until they actually feel validated.

We can tell that the person feels validated when we see a release in them.

We will know when the other person feels validated. It maybe a relaxation of the shoulders, a nod, or they simply may say “Yeah, that’s right”.

When you see that release you can move on to step 2.

Step 2. Help People find Options

In everything we do we always have a choice. Someone who is out of control still has a choice to act however he or she wants to act.

What we want to do is help that person explore what those options are. In other words, once we’ve validated the person, and they feel validated; heard and understood, we can now explore options. Now they can do that thing, that impulsive out of control thing that they were thinking of doing, and that is an option, but let’s explore the consequences of that option.

Once we explore the consequences of that option, now we can move on to other options. Now we can step back and look at the bigger picture.

When we step back we can see a bigger picture. When someone is fired up and angry, they are singularly focussed. When they are heated up they only see things in a very narrow minded way.

They have a micro vision.

We have a macro vision of the situation because we’re not emotionally involved. We can help them explore a wider range of options. When the person feels heard they are much more open to listening to those options. Once you have helped that person to explore options you are ready to move on to step 3.

Step 3. Allow for choice (The most important step)

People always have a choice in whatever they do, so we need to recognise their freedom of choice, and genuinely give them an opportunity to choose. We’re letting them know that whatever they choose is ok with us. We won’t judge them. Whatever choice they make we will respect. It is their free will. We are validating the person. We are helping them find other choices, and ultimately we’re letting go. We’re respecting their free will.

If someone accepts you unconditionally, you have no desire to fight for your position anymore. Now the other person doesn’t have to fight to defend whatever irrational position they held. Now they are free to explore more effective, healthier, more rational options.

Now the person is in the best position to be de-escalated, and to make the best possible choices.

So what you are doing is making them feel emotionally safe enough to say:

“Look, I’m a human being, yes how I felt was out of control, maybe some of the things I’ve said and done are inappropriate and wrong, but I can’t change the past, but I’m in this moment now, so the question is what can I do from this moment forward”.

Note: When you do steps 1 and 2, you provide a whole new outlook that would not have happened if you’d not done the first 2 steps.

This material is from a video by Dr. Christian Conte

Dr. Christian Conte is one of America’s most accomplished specialists in compassionate leadership and communications